Roof of Glass and Sorrow.

“You know it is time for you to write My Cosmic Backyard, don’t you? May I ask why my Dear Friend postpones?”

I stare at my friend with an open mouth, stunned by the question.

“I… don’t know. I want to, but…”

T’lar smiles at me. He bows.

“You are afraid that your human family will disapprove of you.”

I don’t know what to answer. I know he is right.

“You have to understand this now – not every human on Earth will love you. Or like you. It is not constructed that way. When you take place into the light, the contrasts will show.”

I shake my head. “I just don’t understand why it has to be like that. I start to not care about being liked or not, I mean how things are constructed. Why do I have to take place? Why can’t I just create and be happy? And then the rest will follow? Not fame, or admiration but just being here, doing what you like? I know our system is constructed to make us feel weak, vulnerable, in danger, imprisoned. Why can’t we just be free… safe… with endless possibilities?”

Although he is under me, I can see his eyes clearly. I observe how the universe speaks in them, and his warm smile against me makes me believe that the universe truly loves me.

“You are here for a reason. You have to trust. You have to show faith. You just have to. Not because there is any God who demands it – but because you create your own reality every day. As long as you don’t believe in yourself – so it is done! You are here for your own life. You have but one compass – your inner guide, your inner feelings. Follow them!”

As I look down, I am in tears. I have seen so much pain. So much sorrow. I remember it – piercing through my body like aching, moaning scars. I could never do anything about it – only watch and observe. I wanted to give myself the blame, but how can one try to assign responsibility to a child? It’s all a lie because I just cannot comprehend, nor understand the pain.

“But is this an excuse for not doing what you want, Victoria?”

He bows to me, and the herbs that I hold float up, then down, landing in one of his hands.

“Let the herbs show you the way. Write about this. Then, you have a long journey in front of you!”

It feels better. I nod. “Why haven’t you said this to me before? Why now?”

T’lar chuckles.

“My Dear. You asked for it. And so I answered.”

He turns around to go but turns back. Looks at me for a long time.

“You know, they never really asked for help. If they had asked for it, for help, like in truth, like in really “I need help to solve this task, I need assistance as a grown-up human being – solving my own challenges” – they would have. But they didn’t. They never did. They only believed that they weren’t worthy of such help. And so they prayed – but they prayed in the most typical manner:

“Lord, I do not deserve your love, but I do ask for help, help me from this suffering, help me. I cannot stand this anymore.” but what did they really say?

They said: “I do not approve of myself. I am not worthy. I want you to show me that I am worthy.” But one cannot ask others for something that they cannot do themselves. They got their lives as gifts from the universe. First, they need to approve those gifts. It’s the law of the universe. And the question is: are you going to do the same? Are you going to hate yourself the same way they did?

As he turns around to go, I can feel his hand on my back. How that is possible with the distance between us, I don’t know. But I do let myself fall down from the glass roof, I land on the floor beneath me. It doesn’t hurt. I just lie there in a pile of deep, deep sorrow. I know I have to let them go now. I know it is time.

And that makes me cry even more.

Cosmic Backyard’s Delayed Christmas Calendar 2017 //
Cosmic Journey:
Christmas Corner Part 19

Self-Worth and Herbs.

I breathe in slowly, close my eyes and try to focus on the task. As I breathe, I work hard with keeping my hands steady, breathing in warmth through them, out to this individual on the floor. I must remember how to breathe in, to choose the way of breathing. As I feel the air filling my lungs, I get the sensation of relaxing. My hands are warm, and the connection between this person lying there and me is tied up with threads of energy.

Then, I peek. I look at the two others who are sitting there, consumed by their concentration. I feel how they are centered – their mere presence makes me calm and content. That is when it hits me – I do not belong here – I am not good enough for this task – I am not enough.

The patient gasps, his eyes open, it looks like he is in great pain. The other two wake up from their trance – they look at him, comfort and keep him down and steady – but I, I want to withdraw my hands. Something keeps me in place, though. This feeling of not wanting to abandon me again. I have done that so many times before, each time more painful than the other – but I can change, and I want it to be different from now on. I know I cannot keep too big promises as I am a mere human being – but I can have the will and the true wish of wanting to change.

The picture dissolves. The temple is gone, so is the patient and the other two Therapists. I am left kneeling on a field of grass, summer wind touches my hair, sun laughs at my skin. I have a yellow dress, I want to stand up, but instead, I let myself fall to the ground – My face rests in the grass straws, some flowers, a couple that I have seen before – others not. I smell, I let my hands and fingers dig into the soil and roots, I release out a relieved sigh as I feel that I belong.

When I roll around to face the sky and its answers, I see the last therapist stand there, looking down at me with a smile. I get up. In his hands, I can see several plants – or herbs – peeking up from his fingers.

“It is good to have decided to want to change. The question is: what to do next? Not to get caught up in that question forever – just for a little while.”

He hands me the herbs, and as I feel their consistency within my hands, the landscape changes once again. Now, I sit on a roof, made out of glass. I can see my own Cosmic Backyard from here – my cozy fireplace, the observatory, the alien herbarium at the very beginning of the guiding tour… Those three herbs sparkle in a way, I have to pick them up and study them. Three different shapes, characteristics. While one is transparent, the other is light red, and the third is more of a purple color.

As I study the herbs in my hands, I notice that someone is looking at me from the antique living room. I can see that it is my very old alien guide and great friend – T’lar.

Cosmic Backyard’s Delayed Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 18

The Therapists.

When I stand yet alone again, I try to remember what she – or what I – said.

“… left is one… sun! Go through the sun!”

I immediately turn around to try to find out what she was talking about. Did she perhaps mean the golden colors here – is there a door I can enter?

Yes. Three entrances. But none of them feel right… if not…

I look at the monolith and react when I see a symbol of a sun. Eagerly I trace the pattern with my finger, finding out that it looks like a path. First through one portal, then another.

I then turn around once more and head for the door in the middle. Intuitively I feel that this has something to do with the middle road between darkness and light. As soon as I enter the entrance in the middle, I see a new one; this has the symbol of a sun over it.

I run as I am eager to find out. It looks like I am entering a type of temple garden. Around me, I see several columns – all with ancient hieroglyphs lined up like in a book. I remember what I have read about the Mystery Schools in old times, so I feel the goosebumps on my arms.

Alongside the walls are little roads of water, and as I hear it dribbling, I feel content. Until I hear a moan somewhere further inside the temple garden.

When I get to the source, I see that we are not alone; three individuals clothed in white draperies are sitting around the patient, and I immediately recognize them.

“No… It can’t be!!” I eagerly whisper to myself.

At the same time, one of them spots me. He waves with his hand to show me that I have to come closer, and I do without hesitating.

He stands up and whispers.

“I have to go and get some herbs. I need you to take my place for a while.”

I take a step backward.”What? I cannot… I… have never healed like you do! I’ll ruin the balance of three for sure!” I shake my head, as to confirm my belief of me not being able to lay my hands on this sick individual lying on the floor.

The stranger shakes his head. “You’ll have to. You know you can, as I know you can. Don’t you remember?”

I open my mouth to say “no,” but I realize that the other two are looking at me, and therefore I really don’t feel like it. Instead, I take the strangers place, put my hands where I know they should be, and close my eyes. A feeling of shame creeps up my cheeks, through my temples and further back on my head. My hairline tickles, and I slowly breathe in.

I start to listen to the stranger’s footsteps, as I really hope that he returns soon.

I am after all – not worthy of this.


Cosmic Backyard’s Delayed Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 17 

The Lady of Gold.

I close my eyes as the golden light fills the room – being used to the darkness, I am in pain for some moments.  I use my hand as protection and wait. When ready, I see a great hall with walls, and columns covered in gold. As I take my first step towards the woman hovering above the floor, a great echo hits the walls – it is like each step that I take is confirmed by the universal plan of existence!

For some reason, I want to look up. I get touched by how the stars still are there, following my every path, looking at my life from an angle of great love. I also love how the light hits the walls and continues upwards towards the sky. This, for some reason, reminds me of an old, Egyptian temple. I look around, trying to find some clues – and of course: I find the monolith. I also see the entrance towards Naos – the most sacred part of an Egyptian temple. I suddenly feel nervous, and I swallow as I start to walk again – each step slamming back against me, as a

Question – Answer

or an

Action – Consequence

Until I stand there, in front of the woman, who, only moments earlier – looked like a dark lady, a tired version of myself. Now, she looks like a queen.

Her soft smile makes me want to laugh nervously. She still wears my face!

She salutes me. I mirror her actions.

“Do you understand?” she asks, looking at me with depth.

I let myself think. I frown. Breathe in, then out.

“You were – a dark part of me. Something happened to you – or me – or…”

She nods, and her previous chuckling as the dark lady is absent. I start to wonder why.

She answers. “It is because you have lifted one of your dark aspects into the light. It is a very demanding process, and I am not just the beginning of something else. In time, you will see that I go back to a little more darker state – until I reach the golden middle-way. I will get my giggling back then.”

I don’t know what to say. My darkness had more humor than my light? I start to laugh, and suddenly I am very grateful for being on both sides in a way.

She smiles now. “Yes – this is because you see the light as something serious – something to strive for, your morale, ethics, the right from wrong – the seriousness of life. You have never embraced your humor, so it fits into your darker aspects. When you have worked with this for some time – and your humor is out in the light – it will be present both places, in perfect balance.” 

I nod. “Wow, that actually sounds pretty awesome!”

She smiles. “It does, doesn’t it?”

“So,” I continue, looking down at the pink nebula tiles, “what’s next?”

She raises an arm and says:

Two out of three – is done!

Left is one

go through the Sun!”

And with that – the golden lady disappears.


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 16 

Soil to Self-Love.

She holds up the purple book named “Self Worth” – the one that I found in that floating library in space. Something immediately happens inside of me; I crack, hard surface turns to soft, tension to relief.

“It looks like you forgot this at the table?”

Her eyes glow as she hands it to me. I take it and softly caress the front slowly with my one hand. I try to open it – but it is locked.

“Not yet,” she says, blinking an eye.

I look at it for a long time before I push it against my chest. I want to cry. A dusty feeling of grief reaches the surface. I breathe in slowly. It hurts in my throat.

One of my most significant crimes has been not… loving myself. All those times I’ve given myself negative thoughts. All those times I’ve cursed myself.

“For what?” I reply to myself.

The dark lady nods. She turns around, picks up something and comes back. A cup of tea is placed in my hands.

I didn’t even react to the fact that a ghostly being could carry anything. After all – this is my mind, and I am the creator.

Yes – I am. A creator. I look at the cup with the tea inside. I smell it.

It smells like
dry deserts in yellow sand
temples and harvest of
past, like rainy
seasons of praise
and the sun, warmth
of peace.

When I take a sip I guess that is what I feel as well: my grief softly turns to a breezing wind with warmth on top – the soft inside of me gets carried away in the wind, it travels to the rays of light – back to the sun.

I understand that this is a place that I can return to. That this is scenery made by me – for me. A place where I can feel free, relax and let go. I have to remember this for later.

When I look down in my tea again, a powerful voice comes bursting out from within. It tickles in every bone, and my whole being vibrates:

“If you do not feel the pain you cannot feel the joy.”

I let go of the tea: I hear the cup breaking.

“You are my soil to self-love!” I shout, almost manic:

“If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have been able to see the contrasts! One can also get lost in the light of the ego! The darkness is the soil we need to use to reach the light – in equal portions!”

The dark lady smiles, a most glorious laugh – and all that I know of darkness becomes gold.

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 15

Terrifying Truth.

It looks like she is thinking about what to say next.

I stare at the cosmic picture on the wall. Or is it a window? I want to touch it, but I don’t dare. What to say, and not say in this space? If this indeed is my darker aspect, shouldn’t I be scared, or at least careful?

She chuckles.

“We know what you think, dearest! Of course, we do! This is your mind, your consciousness – what did you expect?” her smile makes me shiver down the spine, and suddenly I feel very much ashamed for all that I’ve been thinking about her. How could I not realize that? After all, the mystical man always seemed to answer my thoughts, and I didn’t even question it.

My darker side started to laugh, and it was heartfelt. “I see, but don’t you understand – the whole point of you being here is seeing me – what you do not want to see, or admit to yourself – all that you despise about yourself – at least in doses. Seeing too much will make you so much ashamed that you cannot think straight.”

For the first time since I got here, I felt a moment of peace. I just observed her and felt curiousness flowing through my body. The clean feeling of being interested and exited in something unknown. Now, I don’t think she looks that bad.

“What is it that I hate about myself, then?” I ask.

She bows to me. “Your inability to save the world, my dear. You want to save everyone on your dear planet. You want to make everything okay.”

I shrug my shoulders. “Who doesn’t?”

“Not everyone wants it to be good again. The good is something really scary for many. Did you know that? Humans are afraid of the Light they are seeking.”

Now, I raise a brow and shake my head. “Only my darker side could have said something like that. That is a horrible thing to say!”

She looks at the cosmic window. “Not everyone wants to evolve. A lot of people wants to just enjoy themselves and nothing more. They want everything to be okay just like status quo is. That is not the same as fighting for the right thing.”

I cough. “You say enjoyment is wrong? Why don’t the people have their right to be happy?”

She shakes her head again. “It’s not about being happy. I am not questioning the human right of being able to feel joy and happiness. But about how humans use happiness as an escape from the realities.”

I breathe in slowly. “If I focus on the negativity I’d end up like you!” The words come out harsher than I anticipated but I don’t care as I feel a rising need to make her understand how I am right and she is wrong.

She chuckles again. “No. I am not talking about focusing on the negative of the world. One needs to focus on the positive – but the first step is realizing where you stand – without seeing that one cannot build the house of future!”

As I am silenced for a while, she continues. “So, seeing the negative and cruel in the world – staying in both an emphatic state and a state of overview – fight the cause and then let go. That is the recipe for human power. And I mean power as in realizing who you really are as a species, where you are from and what you are supposed to be.This will lead to the world that you want.”

I don’t know what to say. Nor if I understood what she meant. I feel a terrifying fear of listening more to my darkest aspects. What if I believe her?

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 14

Darker aspects.

“You are not as I believed you to be,” it says.

It. Her. Me? 

It looks just like me! Well, except the thing with transparent nature, grey color and very dark areas under “my” eyes.

“Oh?” I manage to reply.

She floats, turns upside-down and looks at me with a most peculiar look.

“Well – as I am supposed to be your darker aspects, all that you don’t want to see or acknowledge with yourself – I expected you to be… the lighter aspects of… well, you.“

“What… do you mean?”

She turned around a bit, looked at the little shack. I noticed her embarrassed face from the back of her head since I could see through her.

“Ah, I don’t want us to get off to a bad start, after all, I am something one is not supposed to love or embrace, so I thought I wanted to give you a really good first impression. Silly me to always say what I think and feel, one should be more polite, I need to train those skills.”

She stops. Looks at me, bows and says:

“You are most welcome to my home, dearest. Long time, no see! Would you like me to get you something?”

I follow her in as I don’t have the conscience to say that she can’t make me anything, but I stop when I see her take something down from a little shelf and begins to cook in a kettle.

Instead, I try to start a new conversation.

“So. You are my darker aspects…?”

She nods and smiles. The dark areas under her eyes make it look scary.

“Yes, I am! I am you – at your service! You came to me for a reason and I know you are curious about just that. You are here because of your negative thought patterns. Mostly, because you think you can save the world.You think that you alone are the answer to all. I have to inform you that this is not correct.”

She sighs and looks down at the kettle.

“I guess we can wave goodbye to that great first – and second impression, right?”


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 12

A graveyard of thoughts.

“Ready for what?” I ask, suddenly with a bit of suspicion. I notice how one of the socks at the fireplace seems to disappear, being back again at the next moment.

I can see that his eyes are going back to that little bit of worried express that I saw some time ago. He looks at me with an almost nostalgic smile.

“You know that humanity isn’t doing very well, right? How you have failed oh so many tests up to now – most of all because you all find yourselves to be the hopeless cause?”

I nod, experiencing a mix of worry as I remember the state Earth is in, as well as loads of confused thoughts fighting to get out.

The man stops smiling. He looks down at his hands. “As long as you give up on yourself there is nothing we can do to help. If you don’t want to, we cannot do.”

His words confuse me. I look at him with narrowed eyes, trying to extract all the essence of his thoughts.

“The only thing we can do is to talk to those who want to listen.”

I feel an urge to fight against myself. I don’t want to know about this. I don’t want to understand, nor take a statement in this. I suddenly feel powerless and weak.

But when I listen because of his strong eyes, because of this place where I am completely free, safe an in control of myself and my environment – I can hear what he is saying. Humanity has lost its way. The path we are taking now is filled with fear, pain, and uncertainty. Of a loss of knowledge. Loss of contact.

I understand what he is saying.

“You can never save us.”¨

He shakes his head. “No, but that was never the intention. If you are going to take a step up on the evolutionary latter, you’ll have to take care of yourselves.”

I laugh. A sharp laughter this time. “We can barely be polite to each other. We kill and make others suffer. We are weak, all of us!”

He nods, and I find it difficult to stay in focus. “Indeed. But you must not forget all the good things happening all the time as well. It doesn’t help to lose hope. That is one of the downward spirals for humanity as a whole.”

I try to breathe deeply in and out. To keep calm and in balance. I notice that he looks at me with clear eyes. And he says:

“It looks like you have two more steps to go. It was difficult to tell, but now I do understand. You need to get past those first. It will be better, I promise. Just remember that you are in a safe place. This is the discovery of yourself.”

Then, in a poof, the man is gone again. So is the living room – the fireplace and the cosmic feelings. I suddenly stand in a graveyard.


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 11

About being ready.

This time, my little living room is even more decorated: socks hanging from the fireplace – they are dark/velvet blue with loads of glitter on them – making them look like they are the Cosmic Well of Wishes themselves.

I look up, and I see loads of festoons, shining in dark red and gold. I breathe in and smell something that reminds me of gingerbread.

The most breathtaking is though something completely else – I look out of the windows. Somehow the doors next to the porches are closed, and outside I can only see darkness, stars sparkling and a moon shining where the reflection is not in the way.

“What?!” I express, as I walk to one of the windows. I press my nose to the glass, framing my eyes with my hands – and I see snow – loads of snow.

“Isn’t it marvelous? I mean, how the mind works? You could make a life for yourself just staying here. You have done your visualizations so nicely, you are tuned in as much as a human being can be. But this is not the reason for you being here – is it?”

I turn around, for the first time studying him like someone I really know. In a way, I remember him. I remember this mysterious man, but the memories sit in my heart, even longer inside of me – from the point of where I cannot describe it anymore. From a very profound and indescribable place.

“How can I be… this good at visualizing? Why? I chose this. Why?”

The man chuckled. He walked towards the fireplace, sitting down in a similar chair like the one where we ate cups.

“This is your place. You invited me as well. So – you tell me!”

I feel stuck. I suppose, in a way – I am. If I did invite this man over to my very own sanctuary, it had to be for a reason. But I didn’t know that. Whatever it was, it had to be significant.

“Tell me. Why are you alive?”

The question struck me with fear. Why would he ask me about that?

“I… guess it is because I love to live? I do love my life sometimes. I love it deep and profoundly when those moments occur.”

He nods. Looks into the sparkling fire. I know he understands.

“Tell me more,” he encourages, almost spiritually lifting me up in the air with the gestures that he makes.

I look at the fire myself. The way it crackles. The way the sound of the fire speaks to me, my warm cheeks, my pulsating heart.

I close my eyes. I speak.

“It is because I was and still am in love with life.The way it happens. The way Universe creates itself. I know how it can speak – and it speaks directly to me. Through me. My heart’s voice is of cosmos, we are all of Cosmos, and I am allowing it to happen. I am here because of that. Because of what I know.” 

He smiles again. While nodding, he looks at me. His eyes sparkle in light-blue, like the ice on the horizon on a cold day. The fresh type.

“Yes. We know. And we also know that you are ready for this.”


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 10

The Relief.

The mirror disappears, and the cave transforms into something ordinary, and this makes me feel that I am not supposed to stay there any longer.

Although I do just that – I stay, and I let it sink. All that I’ve learned. All that I’ve been up until this point in time. Then I start to look around. What now? Feeling relieved and thankful I climb the stairs only to come out to an entirely different setting: the garden that blossoms in green and unique colors!

I am in awe once again, and I slowly walk against the house, finding it not only open but with a porch as well. I hear birds singing and music of plant life. When I come to the front of the house, I see the snowman and the little heap from before, still standing there – now looking like glass.

I am about to go to touch them to find out when I hear a familiar voice.

“Well done! The first of three! That is always the most unfamiliar and scary one yet you did it like you’ve had no problems with those before?”

The mysterious man is back, standing on another porch at the front. The doors, which weren’t there before – are wide open, and I see curtains blowing in the wind that I cannot feel.

I focus on the question. Suddenly I hear myself answering him.

“I have… done a lot of self-development in my life. Because I’ve had to. It was about survival, but I didn’t know that at the time. Now I know that it was all about being able to stand through the pain.”

He nods. I know that he already knows, but I don’t see why I think that.

“In your perspective, it may look like that, yes. Since the living humanoids on Earth cling to every breath they are given – as is the point, too – they do have that tendency to feel that all is about survival – when fear kicks in.”

I continue to stand there, silent. Reflecting on his last sentence, when he speaks again.

“Did you know that your fireplace is still crackling in your Christmas Corner?”

I raise my eyebrows. This was supposed to be about my Christmas Corner, and here I stand in the middle of a bloomy garden. I know that snow is my personal preferment, but anyhow I find it odd.

“Why not go inside and talk about it?” He says, leading me the way in with his arm.

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 9

My journey to myself is never quite as you imagine it to be. Moving the world, one text at a time.