The Therapists.

When I stand yet alone again, I try to remember what she – or what I – said.

“… left is one… sun! Go through the sun!”

I immediately turn around to try to find out what she was talking about. Did she perhaps mean the golden colors here – is there a door I can enter?

Yes. Three entrances. But none of them feel right… if not…

I look at the monolith and react when I see a symbol of a sun. Eagerly I trace the pattern with my finger, finding out that it looks like a path. First through one portal, then another.

I then turn around once more and head for the door in the middle. Intuitively I feel that this has something to do with the middle road between darkness and light. As soon as I enter the entrance in the middle, I see a new one; this has the symbol of a sun over it.

I run as I am eager to find out. It looks like I am entering a type of temple garden. Around me, I see several columns – all with ancient hieroglyphs lined up like in a book. I remember what I have read about the Mystery Schools in old times, so I feel the goosebumps on my arms.

Alongside the walls are little roads of water, and as I hear it dribbling, I feel content. Until I hear a moan somewhere further inside the temple garden.

When I get to the source, I see that we are not alone; three individuals clothed in white draperies are sitting around the patient, and I immediately recognize them.

“No… It can’t be!!” I eagerly whisper to myself.

At the same time, one of them spots me. He waves with his hand to show me that I have to come closer, and I do without hesitating.

He stands up and whispers.

“I have to go and get some herbs. I need you to take my place for a while.”

I take a step backward.”What? I cannot… I… have never healed like you do! I’ll ruin the balance of three for sure!” I shake my head, as to confirm my belief of me not being able to lay my hands on this sick individual lying on the floor.

The stranger shakes his head. “You’ll have to. You know you can, as I know you can. Don’t you remember?”

I open my mouth to say “no,” but I realize that the other two are looking at me, and therefore I really don’t feel like it. Instead, I take the strangers place, put my hands where I know they should be, and close my eyes. A feeling of shame creeps up my cheeks, through my temples and further back on my head. My hairline tickles, and I slowly breathe in.

I start to listen to the stranger’s footsteps, as I really hope that he returns soon.

I am after all – not worthy of this.

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Delayed Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 17 

Soil to Self-Love.

She holds up the purple book named “Self Worth” – the one that I found in that floating library in space. Something immediately happens inside of me; I crack, hard surface turns to soft, tension to relief.

“It looks like you forgot this at the table?”

Her eyes glow as she hands it to me. I take it and softly caress the front slowly with my one hand. I try to open it – but it is locked.

“Not yet,” she says, blinking an eye.

I look at it for a long time before I push it against my chest. I want to cry. A dusty feeling of grief reaches the surface. I breathe in slowly. It hurts in my throat.

One of my most significant crimes has been not… loving myself. All those times I’ve given myself negative thoughts. All those times I’ve cursed myself.

“For what?” I reply to myself.

The dark lady nods. She turns around, picks up something and comes back. A cup of tea is placed in my hands.

I didn’t even react to the fact that a ghostly being could carry anything. After all – this is my mind, and I am the creator.

Yes – I am. A creator. I look at the cup with the tea inside. I smell it.

It smells like
dry deserts in yellow sand
temples and harvest of
past, like rainy
seasons of praise
and the sun, warmth
of peace.

When I take a sip I guess that is what I feel as well: my grief softly turns to a breezing wind with warmth on top – the soft inside of me gets carried away in the wind, it travels to the rays of light – back to the sun.

I understand that this is a place that I can return to. That this is scenery made by me – for me. A place where I can feel free, relax and let go. I have to remember this for later.

When I look down in my tea again, a powerful voice comes bursting out from within. It tickles in every bone, and my whole being vibrates:

“If you do not feel the pain you cannot feel the joy.”

I let go of the tea: I hear the cup breaking.

“You are my soil to self-love!” I shout, almost manic:

“If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have been able to see the contrasts! One can also get lost in the light of the ego! The darkness is the soil we need to use to reach the light – in equal portions!”

The dark lady smiles, a most glorious laugh – and all that I know of darkness becomes gold.

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 15

Darker aspects.

“You are not as I believed you to be,” it says.

It. Her. Me? 

It looks just like me! Well, except the thing with transparent nature, grey color and very dark areas under “my” eyes.

“Oh?” I manage to reply.

She floats, turns upside-down and looks at me with a most peculiar look.

“Well – as I am supposed to be your darker aspects, all that you don’t want to see or acknowledge with yourself – I expected you to be… the lighter aspects of… well, you.“

“What… do you mean?”

She turned around a bit, looked at the little shack. I noticed her embarrassed face from the back of her head since I could see through her.

“Ah, I don’t want us to get off to a bad start, after all, I am something one is not supposed to love or embrace, so I thought I wanted to give you a really good first impression. Silly me to always say what I think and feel, one should be more polite, I need to train those skills.”

She stops. Looks at me, bows and says:

“You are most welcome to my home, dearest. Long time, no see! Would you like me to get you something?”

I follow her in as I don’t have the conscience to say that she can’t make me anything, but I stop when I see her take something down from a little shelf and begins to cook in a kettle.

Instead, I try to start a new conversation.

“So. You are my darker aspects…?”

She nods and smiles. The dark areas under her eyes make it look scary.

“Yes, I am! I am you – at your service! You came to me for a reason and I know you are curious about just that. You are here because of your negative thought patterns. Mostly, because you think you can save the world.You think that you alone are the answer to all. I have to inform you that this is not correct.”

She sighs and looks down at the kettle.

“I guess we can wave goodbye to that great first – and second impression, right?”

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 12

A graveyard of thoughts.

“Ready for what?” I ask, suddenly with a bit of suspicion. I notice how one of the socks at the fireplace seems to disappear, being back again at the next moment.

I can see that his eyes are going back to that little bit of worried express that I saw some time ago. He looks at me with an almost nostalgic smile.

“You know that humanity isn’t doing very well, right? How you have failed oh so many tests up to now – most of all because you all find yourselves to be the hopeless cause?”

I nod, experiencing a mix of worry as I remember the state Earth is in, as well as loads of confused thoughts fighting to get out.

The man stops smiling. He looks down at his hands. “As long as you give up on yourself there is nothing we can do to help. If you don’t want to, we cannot do.”

His words confuse me. I look at him with narrowed eyes, trying to extract all the essence of his thoughts.

“The only thing we can do is to talk to those who want to listen.”

I feel an urge to fight against myself. I don’t want to know about this. I don’t want to understand, nor take a statement in this. I suddenly feel powerless and weak.

But when I listen because of his strong eyes, because of this place where I am completely free, safe an in control of myself and my environment – I can hear what he is saying. Humanity has lost its way. The path we are taking now is filled with fear, pain, and uncertainty. Of a loss of knowledge. Loss of contact.

I understand what he is saying.

“You can never save us.”¨

He shakes his head. “No, but that was never the intention. If you are going to take a step up on the evolutionary latter, you’ll have to take care of yourselves.”

I laugh. A sharp laughter this time. “We can barely be polite to each other. We kill and make others suffer. We are weak, all of us!”

He nods, and I find it difficult to stay in focus. “Indeed. But you must not forget all the good things happening all the time as well. It doesn’t help to lose hope. That is one of the downward spirals for humanity as a whole.”

I try to breathe deeply in and out. To keep calm and in balance. I notice that he looks at me with clear eyes. And he says:

“It looks like you have two more steps to go. It was difficult to tell, but now I do understand. You need to get past those first. It will be better, I promise. Just remember that you are in a safe place. This is the discovery of yourself.”

Then, in a poof, the man is gone again. So is the living room – the fireplace and the cosmic feelings. I suddenly stand in a graveyard.

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 11

About being ready.

This time, my little living room is even more decorated: socks hanging from the fireplace – they are dark/velvet blue with loads of glitter on them – making them look like they are the Cosmic Well of Wishes themselves.

I look up, and I see loads of festoons, shining in dark red and gold. I breathe in and smell something that reminds me of gingerbread.

The most breathtaking is though something completely else – I look out of the windows. Somehow the doors next to the porches are closed, and outside I can only see darkness, stars sparkling and a moon shining where the reflection is not in the way.

“What?!” I express, as I walk to one of the windows. I press my nose to the glass, framing my eyes with my hands – and I see snow – loads of snow.

“Isn’t it marvelous? I mean, how the mind works? You could make a life for yourself just staying here. You have done your visualizations so nicely, you are tuned in as much as a human being can be. But this is not the reason for you being here – is it?”

I turn around, for the first time studying him like someone I really know. In a way, I remember him. I remember this mysterious man, but the memories sit in my heart, even longer inside of me – from the point of where I cannot describe it anymore. From a very profound and indescribable place.

“How can I be… this good at visualizing? Why? I chose this. Why?”

The man chuckled. He walked towards the fireplace, sitting down in a similar chair like the one where we ate cups.

“This is your place. You invited me as well. So – you tell me!”

I feel stuck. I suppose, in a way – I am. If I did invite this man over to my very own sanctuary, it had to be for a reason. But I didn’t know that. Whatever it was, it had to be significant.

“Tell me. Why are you alive?”

The question struck me with fear. Why would he ask me about that?

“I… guess it is because I love to live? I do love my life sometimes. I love it deep and profoundly when those moments occur.”

He nods. Looks into the sparkling fire. I know he understands.

“Tell me more,” he encourages, almost spiritually lifting me up in the air with the gestures that he makes.

I look at the fire myself. The way it crackles. The way the sound of the fire speaks to me, my warm cheeks, my pulsating heart.

I close my eyes. I speak.

“It is because I was and still am in love with life.The way it happens. The way Universe creates itself. I know how it can speak – and it speaks directly to me. Through me. My heart’s voice is of cosmos, we are all of Cosmos, and I am allowing it to happen. I am here because of that. Because of what I know.” 

He smiles again. While nodding, he looks at me. His eyes sparkle in light-blue, like the ice on the horizon on a cold day. The fresh type.

“Yes. We know. And we also know that you are ready for this.”

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 10

The Relief.

The mirror disappears, and the cave transforms into something ordinary, and this makes me feel that I am not supposed to stay there any longer.

Although I do just that – I stay, and I let it sink. All that I’ve learned. All that I’ve been up until this point in time. Then I start to look around. What now? Feeling relieved and thankful I climb the stairs only to come out to an entirely different setting: the garden that blossoms in green and unique colors!

I am in awe once again, and I slowly walk against the house, finding it not only open but with a porch as well. I hear birds singing and music of plant life. When I come to the front of the house, I see the snowman and the little heap from before, still standing there – now looking like glass.

I am about to go to touch them to find out when I hear a familiar voice.

“Well done! The first of three! That is always the most unfamiliar and scary one yet you did it like you’ve had no problems with those before?”

The mysterious man is back, standing on another porch at the front. The doors, which weren’t there before – are wide open, and I see curtains blowing in the wind that I cannot feel.

I focus on the question. Suddenly I hear myself answering him.

“I have… done a lot of self-development in my life. Because I’ve had to. It was about survival, but I didn’t know that at the time. Now I know that it was all about being able to stand through the pain.”

He nods. I know that he already knows, but I don’t see why I think that.

“In your perspective, it may look like that, yes. Since the living humanoids on Earth cling to every breath they are given – as is the point, too – they do have that tendency to feel that all is about survival – when fear kicks in.”

I continue to stand there, silent. Reflecting on his last sentence, when he speaks again.

“Did you know that your fireplace is still crackling in your Christmas Corner?”

I raise my eyebrows. This was supposed to be about my Christmas Corner, and here I stand in the middle of a bloomy garden. I know that snow is my personal preferment, but anyhow I find it odd.

“Why not go inside and talk about it?” He says, leading me the way in with his arm.

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 9

The Alchemical Process.

What I see activates all of my triggers at once. The sorrow that I’ve carried, all that I’ve been, lived, believed, felt and regretted comes up at once and I react by kneeling in front of the mirror immediately. My thoughts go to war, telling me to stop this nonsense and to just take it easy – continuing with my life, my pleasures and to forget all of this stupidity – but something inside of my fights against it.

I have always been afraid of this – meeting myself. Listening to the thoughts of murmur, of sorrow and despair. Al that I have lost. How can one carry all that one has lost? I have never found the answer, and thus I am terrified of knowing myself.

Knowing what, exactly? My weak spots? My past? I realize that it is just the pain itself in its most sincere and pure form. The pain that tears on me, day in and out, more when I am tired less when I am more relaxed. The pain itself is indeed terrifying, and I have no idea how to cope with it.

It is then I start to wonder about the meaning of life itself. Why live when you carry so much pain?  So much pain that it apparently is too much to bear. I could never find the answer, maybe until now. Something starts to make sense inside of me. When feelings and thought-patterns gather to form words, pictures, and precise, abstract meanings.

It is as if I hear the feeling talk:
“If you do not feel the pain you cannot feel the joy.”

I am in awe as I sit there on my knees, trying to take gentle, controlled breaths. This is how it is. The pain is a part of duality inside of humanity, and, thus, is the reason of why we feel joy the way we do.
Without darkness, one cannot see the light. Without light, one cannot understand the shadows. It is all apparent, profound and touching.

As I experience the merging of this thought-pattern and sudden feeling, I relax more than I’ve ever done before, a new freedom emerges from inside. The blue mirror melts away, and so do the cave walls. They change color to a tone of golden sun, and I feel like I am a thousand light-years easier than before. A thousand light-years of relief.

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 8

The Blue Mirror.

I laugh, so heartfelt, while I play in the snow – that is not cold, nor raw, just warm, soft and gentle. My face is all numb after all the smiling, surely this isn’t something I am used to – smiling and laughing.

It occurs to me that I am baffled by myself. Why did I make a snowman? When I know that Universe consists of so much more than human beings – why did it have to be three balls on top of each other? Why not something else?

I laugh out so that the snow catches my echoes and makes the sound intimate. It is of course because of my abilities. That I hardly can make something with my hands, unless I write. I am though very pleased with my little heap of snowballs.
When placed with a light source, it will glow nicely. I love glowing objects. How they make my soul come alive in moments of my life.

My eyes look for something which I don’t know what is. I find it odd, so I just keep looking even though I feel a bit dumb. My “inner critique” suddenly pops up and tells me to leave this place immediately.

“Oh, so I am on the track of something then,” I answer to my own thoughts, chuckling of how I stand here and talk to myself.

I do, however, follow the instinct and begin to walk. Past the snowman and heap, past the house as well until I find a hole in the ground. It glows of blue. I just continue to walk towards the tunnel with stairs following the cave down some meters. I am not afraid, and I find that very strange.

It looks like I am in a glowing, blue cave of some kind. The walls seem to live, talk, the light pulses vary, but never in an intimidating way.

At the end of the first hall, I can see a mirror standing there on two, blue feet. I have to study this in detail, and so I walk towards it, slowly and carefully.

There, I see something that I’ve never seen before, and it pierces through me like dark, cold triggers on a very weak night.

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 7